Late-Night Hosts Take Aim At Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme

Television's leading comedians used their broadcast ridiculing President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, called the "gold card," characterizing it as a obvious pay-for-access arrangement for the wealthy.

Colbert's Sarcastic Take

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a mock holiday tune directed at the commander-in-chief. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before giving that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... ruins all he touches."

The focus was the new initiative that allows international nationals to acquire U.S. legal status for a sum of a million dollars, or "top-tier" tier for 5 million. The program's website pledges approval "in record time."

"A brief thought here to affluent immigrants: before you pay, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He noted that the program is also intended to "extract cash" from businesses looking to hire skilled workers, requiring large costs. "That's a lot of fees, though if you register, you also get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your choosing – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he said.

"Unprecedented vetting the government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants completely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "Question one: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel referred to the initiative the "Get Into America Express Card."

"It's a card that will permit wealthy international individuals to live here," he explained. "For a million bucks, you get official visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one serious crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to revise that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your huddled masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he added.

Kimmel mocked the brevity of the application, saying it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"That's right, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's declining poll ratings during economic anxiety. "People gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a effort to address prices, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a array of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers said. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What exactly happens with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing conservative media defenses of Trump's economic performance. "Perhaps instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he laughed.